I Love a Parade

While watching the film version of “Oliver” the other day, I pondered this question: What if LIFE was one, big musical? Frustration could be expressed through a string of melodic expletives. Awkward silences would be filled with beguiling lyrics. Getting a root canal or waiting in line for the bathroom might be more bearable. And at a routine stop at the gas station, if you saw a bum grab his junk while you pumped, you could probably make a pretty catchy song out of it.

No doubt, every day would be entertaining, and you could overcome just about any obstacle. For instance…

1. You’re trying to explain something to someone, and they’re STILL not getting it. Did they ride the freakin’ short bus to school? You put it in a happy, little tune and…FINALLY, it sinks in. NOTE: Sometimes you need to spell it out, as in “Doe. A deer. A female deer. Bitch. A dog. A female dog.”

2. You’re trying to trick a crowd into buying into your crap, and they’re not falling for it. But when you turn it into all-group sing-along, suddenly, you have ‘em eating out of the palm of your hand. (It’s a little creepy, though, if you’re a grown man trying to start an all-boys marching band in a small town. Just sayin’…)

3. You are at a drinking establishment and trying to avoid a previous hook-up: “Shit! He/she saw me!” Now what? Engage the crowd in song, and while everyone is dancing their asses off all Pappy McSlappy with a pint o’ Paulaner in their grimy mitts, you cut out through the side door, easy-peasy.

4. People are much more willing to accept your deep, dark secrets—no matter how embarrassing or controversial—when expressed through song. Like if you’re a [sweet] transvestite. Share it in a splashy, garter belt ‘n’ feather boa-wearin’ number, and…instant moral support!

5. You can sing about anything—even whores—and somehow, it manages to sound somewhat sugary and innocent.

6. Drinking naturally lends itself to singing—which means after you've sucked down a few cocktails, it would be perfectly acceptable—if not ENCOURAGED—to break into robust song so as to share your happiness, albeit temporary, with everyone else around you.

7. You can openly express how you feel about someone without fear of ridicule. Granted, this usually works best if the feeling is mutual. Of course, there’s still a slight risk that you could make an ass out of yourself—in which case, you may find yourself in situation #6, ultimately leading to #11.

8. You can share the salacious details of a liason (without really sharing TOO much) through a series of clever rhyming euphemisms.

9. You can openly discuss plastic surgery you’ve had—from the breast augmentation that’s changed your life to the “angry inch” that remains from your botched penile removal.

10. The most ordinary activities—from bowling to cleaning the chimney sweep—are suddenly injected with a little excitement.

11. You can invite someone to engage in a bit of questionable behavior without sounding like a complete ‘ho. (Okay, you MIGHT sound like a ‘ho.)

12. It’s an effective way to remember someone’s name—although it might be a LITTLE obvious if you immediately break into a song with his/her name in it upon first meeting. (I’d wait until they were out of hearing range.)

13. If you don’t have a GPS in your car, it’s a simple way to remember directions—even if you take same road all the way to your destination. (Like if it’s yellow and brick.)

14. Jazz hands and fan kicks would be just as common as high-fives and flippin’ the bird.

15. Lastly, if something truly excites you, there’s no greater way to express your affection than through song. (Honestly, though, I can’t imagine singing about a parade. They get old after a while. I mean…Shriners and clog dancers and baton twirlers? After the first 10 floats, I’m ready for the after-party. But that’s just me.)