Beat Yourself

I was at MOCA today and one of the artists created five piñatas in her likeness, with one of them on display. While I knew nothing about this artist, this seemed to speak volumes as to how she perceived herself. This sparked two immediate thoughts:

First, why would you want someone to beat you [or the likeness of you] with a stick? Do you have such an intense self-loathing that you feel compelled to have people swing at you to break you apart (in the metaphorical sense)?

Second, if you made a piñata to look like you, what would you fill it with? I don't think I would fill mine with candy. While candy is enjoyable to some, there is no real value in it; it's just sugar. To me, candy equals pleasure--which is a good thing--yet it's coupled with emptiness and no real, sustaining qualities.

Who knows what I would put in my piñata? I can't say that it would be filled with all of the same thing. I actually think my piñata would be filled with a mixture of things--some sweet, some odd, some unexpected. Then again, I wouldn't want people to beat me with sticks to get to what's inside of me.

This probably defeats the purpose, but I think that I would just give away what was inside of me to whoever was willing to work hard enough for it (no sticks necessary)--on the simple condition that this person or people would share with me what's inside of them.

Idea #2,643

Today I had to write a manifesto for rugby. Well, actually, I had to write about the company I work for in a rugby-esque way. Of course, this entailed hitting up thesaurus.com for more in-your-face words to describe what it is that we do for brands. This little exercise sparked an idea:

wordswithballs.com

Here's the general idea of wordswithballs.com: Do you have something to say, but you need a cruder, more crass way to say it? Try wordswithballs.com. (By the way, the logo would have an exclamation point at the end of it--with a pair of balls dangling from the bottom--to look like a full-fledged shaft. Thanks, Peggy.)

So, how can wordswithballs.com help you out? Say you were really angry with someone, and you wanted to set them straight--you know, give them a piece of your mind. This is where wordswithballs.com could make a real difference. You simply go to the site, type in how you feel, and wordswithballs.com would give you more impactful way to say it.

Here are some examples:

Before: I wish you would just go away.
After: Go fuck yourself.

Before: You are not a very nice person.
After: I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off.

Before: I don't understand what you mean.
After: What the fuck?

Before: He/she seems a bit uptight.
After: SOMEONE needs to pull the stick out of their ass.

Before: Yes, that feels good.
After: Holy fucking Jesus!

Before: I think you need a mint.
After: Your breath smells like you ate a shit-burger for lunch.

The possibilities are endless. But I see real potential with this idea. Hmmm...maybe I need to set up a url. And if you're reading this, please don't steal this idea. (Or as wordswithballs.com would put it: Nobody likes a douchebag.)

Stay tuned...

Tell Me Where You Want Your Gift, Girl

In honor of Jeremih's annoyingly-catchy Birthday Sex song...

Other Types of Sex You Can Have:

Laundry Day Sex—‘Cause girl, you like it dirty.

Payday Sex—In case you want dinner first…

The Day I Checked Out That Other Chick’s Booty Sex—Girl, I love it when you get all feisty!

The Day You Caught Me Cheating Sex—Naw, girl, that was someone else.

The Day After You Told Me You Never Wanted To Speak To Me Again Sex—I knew you were only kidding, boo.

The Day I Saw You With Another Guy Sex—Alright, quit teasing now, baby…

The Day Your New Guy Told Me That He Would Spoon-Feed Me My N*ts If I Kept Talking To You Sex—That’s cool. I’ll just give my gift to someone else.

I Want a Slutty Pony

From creepy dolls that emulate your face and voice, to penis-looking guns that shoot various things out of the end of them (no...not pearl necklaces), these toys are beyond unsettling. There's even a pony who appears to be looking to knock horseshoes with a stallion. Hey, they're in a barn all day together. Besides whinnying and eating oats, what else are they going to do?

All of these toys and more are part of Cracked.com's list of The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys. Check it out here.

Useful Information for Girls

(See my earlier post for the guy's version.)

What's In Your Pouch?

This is an authentic deerskin banana hammock that doubles as a swim pouch. (You know, to carry around a few small items you might need at the pool or beach--when you don't want to lug around a large tote.)

But this perplexes me. I'm not sure what sort of things you could actually keep in it. You certainly couldn't stash coins, because they would cause the pouch to grow heavy; not to mention, your pouch would make a "Cha-ching!" sound as you sashayed from your beach chair to the bar. Then again, the weight of the coins might make your pouch droop longer than the fringe, arousing much interest from your fellow beach dwellers.

Cash wouldn't work. If you decided to take a dip in the ocean, it would surely get wet. Plus, do you really want to dig around in your trunks to pay for a Mojito?

A tube of sunscreen definitely wouldn't fit. And if it did, you've got bigger problems than this dreaded piece of cloth.

Hmmm...maybe your driver's license, a key, aspirin, Chapstick or a condom? Yes, those things seem somewhat realistic. Always be prepared, I say.

But what's with the fringe? It makes me think of those beaded curtains that you go through as you enter a smoke shop or a $10 psychic's living room, er... "Spiritual Counseling Center." Maybe it serves to allude that something magical is hidden underneath. Or maybe it's just a nod to Urban Cowboy. Ahhh..such a good movie.

Regardless, if there was a party, and the invitation said, "B.Y.O.B.H." (Bring Your Own Banana Hammock), I have no doubt that this garment would be hit.

High School Makes SO Much More Sense To Me Now

Maybe all of those boys at Fort Zumwalt North High liked me after all, but I just had no clue. (And to think, I cursed my braces and stature.) Thanks, Girlology, for setting me straight.

I would like to make a "Boyology" version of this, if I can. Charts were never my forte, but I think I can swing this one. Stay tuned...